Turner Masters, teenage sex offender, is dead and all of Riverwater is grieving. But no one is grieving more than Turner’s merciless mother, who plans to replace the local hospital with a Turner-centric shrine while inciting Turner’s fanatical friends to solve his murder. Hilarious and unrelenting, Turner Masters Memory Hospital is a vicious new satire from Catherine Cohen and Steven Markow.
Turner Masters was the golden boy of Riverwater, USA. Captain of the football team, boyfriend to the head cheerleader, and legendary date rapist (shit happens, right?!), Turner was #1. But after a mysterious evening on his backup yacht, Turner was left for dead. Who killed Riverwater’s darling boy? And why?
Mrs. Masters is Turner’s mother and a fixture of elegance and wealth. After her son’s mysterious death, she is forced to bear the grief alone, as her husband has been on business in Beijing for 20 years. To honor Turner’s memory, she purchases the hospital where he died and transforms it into a shrine to his memory, thereby rendering it useless.
What Gronathan lacks in brains he makes up for in owning a motorcycle. He loves kicking ass, taking names, forgetting those names, kicking his own ass, remembering those names but forgetting why he took them down in the first place, then eating an empty can of beer. He’s dumb as hell!
Magrissa McSkittles is Turner Masters’ girlfriend, which means she’s basically royalty at Riverwater High. An avid lover of cheerleading, Instagramming, and white guys who can rap, Magrissa is living proof that women really can have it all, especially if they already have it all.
The Priest has been transferred from about a dozen diocese. God only knows why! Someday there will be a documentary about all the lives he has touched. LOL he’s a sexual predator!
Before the Basement Monster was born, his mother dressed up like Harry Houdini and dared a hundred strong men to punch her pregnant stomach. But that’s not why the Monster looks as grotesque as he does. It’s because of vaccines. Never get vaccinated!
Written by Catherine Cohen and Steven Markow. Based on Original Characters by Catherine Cohen, Steven Markow, and Peter Smith. Directed by Catherine Cohen, Steven Markow, and Joe Cilio. Tracked, mixed, & mastered by Ronnie DiSimone at the Brick Box. Music composed & performed by Ronnie DiSimone & Alex Ramsey. Sound design by Alex Ramsey. Additional sound design by Ronnie DiSimone Recorded at the Brick Box Studio. Artwork by Sarah Squirm.
Featuring Catherine Cohen, Steven Markow, Peter Smith, Joe Castle Baker, Matt Rogers, Michael Wolf, Wes Haney, Dan Chamberlin, Mitra Jouhari, Sandy Honig, Brett Davis, Jo Firestone, Bowen Yang, Alyssa Stonoha, Matt Barats, Carmen Christopher, Joe Cilio, Ruby McCollister, and Jaboukie Young-White.