CAST OF CHARACTERS
DICK DISNEY (Andrew Block) is a middle school janitor and social pariah. Having terrorized Zoar while still a teenager when he went on a vicious crime spree that resulted in many injuries and nearly a million dollars in property damage, Dick remains a natural scapegoat for the town’s problems. But after a four-year stint in a juvenile delinquency center, Dick claims to have changed his ways and is desperate for a shot at redemption. When his childhood friend and unrequited love Kim Jordache returns to Zoar in the wake of her own scandal, Dick starts to believe that his best days are still ahead of him.
KIM JORDACHE (Allison Frasca) ran away to Hollywood at age 13 following the tragic death of her parents and quickly rose to fame as the titular star of Nickelodeon’s longest running live action sitcom, “Come On Downstairs, Rachel, There’s Something We Need to Tell You.” At the height of her fame, rumors surfaced that Kim had engaged in sexual relations with birds and her career imploded, despite her protestations that the rumors were untrue. Returning to Zoar ten years after she left, Kim hopes to piece her life back together and discover renewed purpose, but shadows from her past continue to haunt her.
MAYOR PEARL BRADDOCK (Hallie Haas) is the eight-term Mayor of Zoar. A self-described “daughter of immigrants” (her parents are from Canada), Pearl first rose to local prominence as the host of her own cable access talk show “Pearl’s Pearls.” The show earned many ardent fans, including bigwig Spoom Custard, who encouraged Pearl to enter politics, funding her first successful mayoral campaign in 1984 and every campaign since. Though childless, Pearl served for a brief time as Kim Jordache’s legal guardian and still considers herself to be Kim’s mentor, if not her mother.
VINCE “THE DEUCE” FARGUNKEL (Alex Ramsey) is a corrupt, crafty political operative tasked by his employer Beverly with getting the controversial Prop 34 measure passed by any means necessary. Having worked for a variety of local and national political campaigns, most recently as Senator Ted Cruz’s “dirt boy,” Vince is a master of blackmail and manipulation. His nickname hides a double meaning, referring both to his habit of “playing second fiddle to powerful people” and his propensity for taking frequent, high-volume dumps.
CONNIE HUBERT (Gili Nir) is a two-time middle school teacher of the year, semi-professional Sudoku player, and practicing Presbyterian, who decides to run for Mayor of Zoar after being visited by God in the middle of the night and told to do so. Though caring and gentle at heart, Connie’s religious convictions give her a zealous streak that leaves her susceptible to exploitation. Her entry into politics and her selection of Vince Fargunkel as her campaign manager worries her pragmatic wife Brill, who doesn’t want to see the woman she loves taken advantage of, or worse, transformed.
BRILL LAFLEUR (Rachel Joravsky and Ali Gordon) is a fitness enthusiast and loyal wife to Connie Hubert. Although Brill has a tendency to be overprotective and judgmental in her interactions with Connie, she means well. Having lived a wild life in her youth (she was a fixture on the central PA pool party circuit), Brill credits Connie with grounding her and giving her purpose. But Brill worries that Connie isn’t cut out for politics, and although she won’t stand in the way of her wife’s political ambitions, she does intend to keep a close eye on the campaign and won’t hesitate to punch anyone who deserves it.
RANDY CASINO (Joe Cilio) is Chief of Police in Zoar, despite having no understanding of law enforcement protocol, pulling his gun out whenever he feels threatened, insulted, or mildly inconvenienced. Randy answers directly to Mayor Braddock and prioritizes her interests over everything else. Randy’s feelings for the Mayor go beyond mere obligation; he loves her and dreams of the day that she will accept his ceaseless marriage proposals and become stepmother to his son Butch. This, despite the fact that the Mayor openly despises him and that Butch is traveling the cosmos in a stolen spaceship.
DR WALLACE PURVIEW (John Zachary-Townsend) is a brilliant inventor with a beautiful singing voice. But as with many great men, Purview suffers under the weight of his own genius. After making millions by inventing the first ATM check reader, Purview spent the next decade losing his fortune by fighting a futile legal battle with the founders of Burger King for the right to open his own restaurant called Burger Kang. With nowhere else to turn, the penniless Purview retired to a small cabin in Zoar and shifted his attention to mentoring local youth, studying the surrounding ecosystem, and building a functional time machine.
SPOOM CUSTARD (Jenny Jaffe) is the great-great-great-grandaughter of town founder Lionel Custard and the single wealthiest citizen in Zoar, amassing a vast fortune as owner of the town’s lucrative potash mines. Unsatisfied by wealth alone, Spoom has spent her life pursuing other forms of vitality and power, serving three tours in Iraq (during which she earned the moniker “Merchant of Death” for killing 25 insurgents) and funding the political campaigns of like-minded candidates, namely Pearl Braddock. But Spoom’s first love remains the town of Zoar itself and she would do anything to protect it.
DURK CUSTARD (Jacob Wilson) is a well-dressed dilettante with no regard for human life. As Spoom’s younger brother, Durk has significant reserves of family money at his disposal. And yet, having no interest in business or politics or philanthropy, Durk spends most days wandering the grounds of Estate Custard, waiting for his son (and heir to the family fortune) French Custard to return from boarding school and dreaming up new ways to amuse himself. Durk’s most recent hobby involves purchasing local children and forcing them to compete in a swimming competition called “the Durk Olympics.”
BEVERLY (Michael Ring) is an enigmatic magnate whose wealth, power, and influence border on the infinite. As a charter member of IOTA, an international secret society devoted to consolidating control over all the world’s capital and natural resources, Beverly perceives civilization as a fragmented ruin that can only be reassembled through force and acquisition. To this end, Prop 34 is Beverly’s masterwork, tricking the town of Zoar into relinquishing control over its most valuable resource (potash) in return for the promise of prosperity that will never come.
AXE (Brooks Allison) is a ruthless assassin who kills his victims exclusively with axes and ax-shaped weapons, e.g. tomahawks, hatchets, halberds. Axe also works as an office administrator at the campaign headquarters of Connie Hubert, specializing in document management. Like Vince Fargunkel, Axe answers to one master, the mysterious Beverly.
GLENN HARDAWAY (Tony Grayson) is a boy genius struggling to escape the harsh conditions of his working class childhood. Raised by an abusive potash miner father and an 800-lb mother who speaks exclusively in an obscure ancient language called Yar, Glenn turned to his mentor Dr. Wallace Purview from an early age for support and guidance. Under Purview’s tutelage, Glenn built many fantastic inventions, including a functional spaceship out of scrap metal and old car parts.
BUTCH CASINO (Nick Carrillo) is a cynical but self-reflective teenager with a nose for business and an eye on the future. As the only child of Zoar’s merciless Chief of Police Randy Casino, Butch was raised to despise the weak and the downtrodden. Although Butch regrets his lack of empathy, he cannot entirely overcome it, as evidenced by his quick temper and his love-hate relationship with friend Glenn Hardaway. Despite these limitations, or perhaps because of them, Butch has ambitions that extend beyond the narrow confines of Zoar, including a viable business model for a commercial space travel startup.
MILCH & SANGRIA DISNEY (Matt Rubano and Dana Shulman) are the crude, spiteful, generally disgusting parents of Dick Disney. After faking an accident in the Bengal tiger exhibit at the now defunct Zoar Zoo and winning an unprecedented lawsuit settlement of $50 million dollars, the Disneys now spend their days inside on their sofa, watching Netflix, playing bizarre sex games, and ignoring the Rosetta Stone language lessons that Dick buys them to help them improve their minds.
GOD (Rachel Pegram) is the primary deity of the Judeo-Christian religion, although she takes issue with many of the things written about her. According to God, she was going through a tough breakup c. 1700 BC and doing some journaling at the advice of her therapist– free association, recollected dreams, cathartic scribbling. Tragically, these journals were stolen and later used as the basis of the Holy Scriptures, painting a picture of a vengeful, self-righteous sky tyrant. In reality, God is a laid back, good humored optimist who occasionally drops in on her favorite humans and motivates them to achieve their goals.
JAMIE KEESLING (Allison Houser) is Pearl Braddock’s savvy campaign manager, who always has a statistic on hand to support her agenda and a rumor to spread about the opposition. Jamie has high expectations for herself and her staff and has no idea why she can’t get what she wants all the time. She practices giving the middle finger and making violent threats in her mirror at night, and as such, has turned both into an artform. As a workaholic and an alcoholic, Jamie regularly burns the candle at both ends and her life expectancy is between 41-43 years. But if that’s what it takes to win elections, she could care less.
SARAH WAKEFIELD (Helen Beyene) is a strategist and pollster for the Braddock campaign. Having been in politics for years, she has grown tired of the rhetoric and the lies, and instead buries herself in cold hard data. Sarah has no sentimental attachment to Mayor Braddock and possesses an uncanny ability to empathize with opposing points of view, which often puts her in a position of making reasonable but unpopular suggestions. At the end of the day, though, Sarah’s knack for detailed research makes her a valuable component of the Braddock machine.
MARY ROWLANDSON (Amy Berger) is the perpetually upbeat Director of Communications for the Braddock campaign. Though not particularly skilled at public policy or knowledgeable about politics in general, Mary is a master of language. “Watching her turn disadvantages into advantages with just a few choice words is akin to watching a sculptor mold clay.” At least, that’s what it says on her LinkedIn page. In practice, Mary writes most of Mayor Braddock’s public speeches, including her well-received set of introductory remarks at the 2015 Police Department Spaghetti Breakfast.
FIRE (Jose Rivera Jr.) was born 13 billion years ago. Fire is a force of creation and destruction. Fire will heat up your soup for you. And your tea. And your leftovers. But sometimes, when you’re sleeping, Fire will burn your house down without regret. Fire was responsible for the birth of human civilization and the death of Joan of Arc. Fire feels no guilt. No fear. No pity. Fire loves only one thing: being on fire. “Fire will never die. But you will.” Fire said that.
PASTOR RAPHAEL (Eitan Levine) is the head of the First Presbyterian Church and the most revered religious leader in Zoar. He uses a vague point system to keep track of the moral character of his congregation and resorts to complex metaphors to explain the essence of God. He is often asleep. He carries blood-soaked money in his pocket without explanation. Despite these troubling signs, the people of Zoar seek out Pastor Raphael when they need advice. But little do they know, the higher authority that Pastor Raphael answers to is not God. It’s Beverly.
BRENNA & JENNA FINGER (Sam Corbin and Sarah Heveron-Smith) are a pair of tough, hard-nosed, back-slapping political realists who utilize their status as Alderwomen and Co-Heads of the Potash Miners’ Union to give a voice to Zoar’s working class. These brash, loquacious sisters hold enough votes in their back pockets that local elites, incumbents, and political hopefuls alike have no choice but to treat them like royalty every election cycle. Knowing this, the Finger sisters aren’t shy about exploiting their power, resorting to blackmail, bullying, and cronyism whenever necessary to get what they want.
KRAWK (Pat Swearingen) is the leader of the Dionysian aviosodomy cult that was transported from ancient Zoar to present day Zoar in Dr. Purview’s time machine. Wild-eyed and intense, Krawk is a self-described “maker of merriment, architect of madness, and lover of fowl.” Krawk worships the god Dionysus and loves conducting ritualized ceremonies, particularly those that involve having sex with birds.
CIRCE (Shani Bekt) is a devoted member of ancient Zoar’s Dionysian aviosodomy cult and a talented dancer. This “woman of wine and harvest” worships Dionysus, cherishes the natural landscape of Zoar, and enjoys fucking birds. Whenever she feels that her way of life is being threatened, Circe doesn’t hesitate to respond with extreme aggression and violence.
VENMO (Gabriel Laks) has worked a variety of entry-level jobs around Zoar, including intern for an ancient aviosodomy cult, intern for Connie Hubert’s campaign, intern for a catering company, and intern in the first circle of hell. Venmo’s most prominent attributes include working hard, speaking out of turn, and dropping important things. Venmo is still waiting for his big break.
GARY & LEE DUST (Nicco Aeed and Emily Mathwich) belong to Zoar’s working class. Having labored in the potash mines and supported Mayor Braddock for their entire lives, the Dusts always assumed that hard work and social conformity would eventually lead to prosperity. But as the cost of living in Zoar increased and wages stagnated, the Dusts watched helplessly as their savings dwindled and their future grew dim. While continuing to work hard to provide a better life for their son Gary Jr, the Dusts are not beyond cutting deals and making compromises to finally get the compensation they feel they deserve.
DAVID EDGERTON & JAMES MCLAMORE (Julia Kennelly and Maggie Widdoes) are business partners and lovers. Having fled the small town tedium of their New England upbringing, they find themselves holed up in a fleabag Miami hotel room, c.1959. Down to their last dime, the only thing that keeps David and James hopeful is their deep love for each other. And so they sit and wait, surviving on bodega tacos, racking their brains for the big idea that will make them rich. After receiving inspiration from an unexpected source, David and James go on to create the Burger King fast food chain.
AND MANY, MANY MORE…